Dear Jack,
I am trying to heal, believe me but I remember looking into my boy’s trusting eyes and promising him that I would help him to leave before he suffered too much. I am sure he understood what I was saying to him. I was not to know what was to happen, if only I had a crystal ball, if only I could turn back time, if only I could have taken the pain away from him and suffered it myself, I would have. I did try so hard to do everything right but in the end it all went so wrong. It’s killing me. I loved him more than life itself. I will never forgive myself.
Humans have a tendency to beat themselves up with all the “if onlys.” There are certain things you cannot control and we pets are in more control of some things than you realize. I went into an emergency situation late at night. The vet clinic was closed and the nearest animal hospital was two hours away. At 90 pounds, Kate could not lift me into the car. She had no choice but to stay with me and watch me die at home. I would not have wanted it any other way.
We have a certain element of being able to time when things happen. The bottom line is that if we suffered, we suffer no longer. We do not want you to continue to suffer by remembering it over and over again. It is over and we are at peace.
You must do everything you can to be at peace as well. Please try not to use the term "It's killing me" because those thoughts take their toll on you, they really do. Thoughts are things and often the way you express these things will come to fruition. You did not let your boy down. You could only respond to him with love as best you could --and you did. You may need to be reassured a thousand times before you can let this guilt that you imagine go.
You did the best you could do and your boy did the best that he could do too. None of it was under your control. There is no fault, no blame, no need for anger or justification -- there can only be a deepening acceptance for what happened.
In his world now, all is well as he awaits your healing.
Love, Jack
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