Dear Jack,
How do you know when a new pet is right for you? How do we know which one to choose? We’ve been agonizing over the decision.
Agonizing over it probably means the timing isn't quite right. Remember that everything feels right about it when a new pet is right for you. It’s true what they say, you don’t choose your pet, your pet chooses you. When it’s right, you are put in the right place at the right time. The process is smooth and easy. Sometimes the pet will even come to you. You feel it in your heart. The timing is right. The price is always right because you want that particular one and you will pay the price.
You will find it painful if you rush headlong into something and then regret your decision. Take your time. Be thoughtful about the process. Of course, you will always have the normal What If's and perhaps some fear of commitment but there will be an underlying confidence and surety when the pet is right for you. Don’t rush. There are many pets available out there and there will always be another opportunity. Let your heart and soul lead you to the one that's meant for you. If the one you want falls through, gets adopted by someone else, you know that’s not the right one for you. Let it go.
It usually happens easily. Maybe you happen upon a weekend rescue event never planning on getting another pet and you fall instantly in love with one who needs a home. Perhaps something just “tells you” to go to a certain place at a certain time and there you learn of a pet who needs care and love. It’s like a treasure map, the way you are guided, and sometimes a pet will lead directly to another pet that is right for you. Sometimes you can surprise yourself with your commitment, your conviction that the time is right, knowing that this is the exact pet you want and need in your life. Listen to your heart. It will always tell you the truth.
We have a friend who always had Irish Setters and Afghan Hounds. She had a friend who ran the local shelter. “Keep a lookout for an Irish Setter,” she said to her friend. A few weeks later the friend called her. “We have an Irish…!” She raced over to the shelter only to find a little boy and his family there, considering the young Irish Setter for adoption. “But I want him,” she said to her friend. “Let the boy have him,” was the friend’s reply. “There’ll be another for you.” Dejectedly she walked away. A few weeks later the phone rang, “Get over here,” her friend at the shelter said. “We’ve got your dog.” She went back to the shelter and there was ½ Afghan Hound ½ Irish Setter, a most beautiful and unique dog. It was waiting for her there. It was meant to be hers.
Kate drove north to Montana to get Immy. You can read their synchronistic story in Return from Rainbow Bridge. Kate did not see the 26-hour drive as a major task or expense. Her family and friends said she was crazy. Why go all the way to Montana when there are dozens of perfectly acceptable dogs waiting at the local shelter? Because Immy wasn’t in the shelter. Immy was in Montana. Kate saw it as an adventure and it was much-needed because she had spent the better part of the year working on our first book.
I was glad she went, for lots of reasons. She had worked very hard on our book and it was a good change of pace. It was special 1:1 time with Joey, who had been waiting for her to rise above her grief and prioritize him. Most of all it was something new. New roads, new people, new places, new opportunities for change, growth and perspective. This is the one thing that moves a person through the grief. Growth. Immy was her teacher. Healing was the reward.
The process is either very easy or the dedication to doing what you have to do to get the pet you want comes without a second thought and you do whatever you need to do to make it happen.
What sometimes can happen when you seek a new friend too soon is that you bring in a new pet into the space your loved one left behind. Sometimes you find yourself surprisingly resentful because you really just want your old friend back. You are angry because you brought the new pet home before you had finished the anger part of your grieving process.
Sometimes you confront your new pet, “Why can’t you be like Smokey!” This is not fair to the new pet, but the pet will always try to please you and they will eventually help you through the stage that you were trapped in when you brought them home. Young pets are especially vulnerable because they need to be house trained and learn obedience, which can be stressful for you when you are used to having a mature pet, obedient and able to honor your commands.
These are the most common and unfortunate scenarios where the pets are rehomed or taken back to breeders or rescue groups. Sometimes the person is depressed from grief and the pet becomes almost like a codependent service pet. If you get a pet before you’re truly ready, anything can happen.
There is no substitute for love. You can only substitute love for love so the secret is to work through your grief and then bring a new love into the space love seemed to leave behind.
If you feel good in your heart about it, that's your sign. If you are second-guessing it, that's a sign too. Your intuitive heart says, “Yes” or your heart says, “No.” Any answer besides “Yes”, including no apparent answer at all, means “No”.
The heart has all the answers. Try it now. Put your hands upon your heart. Ask a question that you already know the answer to. Feel what “no” feels like. Feel what “yes” feels like. Practice this and by doing so you will be creating a line of communication with anyone that you cannot see, including God. Including me.
Love, Jack
"One must be careful, because in their concerted efforts to find ‘the right one’, they might find something else instead. They can miss out on the one that was waiting for them while they were looking the other way for what they thought they wanted."
Reflections
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