Dear Jack,
Tomorrow I'm sending my boy to Rainbow Bridge. I'm so hurt, confused and guilty. Yesterday morning he could hardly walk. They gave him morphine at the vets. But today he is great. Walking, playing, eating. He hasn't been this way in days. I know it's because he's not in pain but it'll wear off. Is it worth giving him more morphine and putting him through nights like last night again just to keep him around? I don't know what to do... Oh God I guess I'm looking for someone to say it's time that I'm doing the right thing. This is the hardest thing I've ever done in my life.
First of all, you can feel guilty, but YOU ARE NOT GUILTY. Guilt is something the human mind created.
Your boy has struggled for a long time and weighing his quality of life with his pain and his condition is imperative. Do not hold him to you with your love because the love won't die when he does. You need to look at everything else that is going on. How would you feel if you were him?
It is a hard decision but the loving thing to do is to let him go. Our Grady suffered for several years with chronic pain and she was nearly deaf and blind. We made the appointment to put her to sleep on a Monday, and Sunday night and Monday morning she was better than she had been in many months. Yes, it was confusing and disconcerting.
In reality Grady was well aware of what was taking place and if you ever knew anyone at the end of life who was tired of living, you will know why Grady experienced joy that day. She welcomed her Appointment with gratitude for the peace, relief and freedom that were waiting for her on the other side.
We thought of it as a final gift for all of us. Later when it was over, we wished we had done it sooner for her. She was so at peace. You will see and you will know then that you did the right thing. Wishing you strength between here and there.
Love, Jack
Have you ever witnessed someone you love suffer for too long? They have spent weeks, months, years, declining and then, right after you make the decision to let them go, they surprise you by having a really good day? It can knock you for a loop.
It would have been easy to second-guess whether we were doing the right thing for Grady, to move forward with the plans for the day. Maybe if we just slept on the floor with her every night, she'd sleep through the nights.... Maybe this, maybe that, maybe, maybe, maybe...
The bottom line is that the act of making the decision was something Kate needed to do in order to grow. She had been slip sliding along up until this point. Putting it off. Procrastinating. Denying. Things were getting worse for Grady; Kate could no longer face this situation passively. Sometimes someone needs to learn by the very act of making an important decision. By taking responsibility for the decision and stepping forward in faith, courage and care, there is growth that takes place there.
Yes, Kate had been waiting for God to call for Grady but God was waiting for Kate to make the decision and to have the faith to act on it. Kate had to make Grady’s needs more important than her own.
There is a dynamic that often happens when it comes to decision-making. Someone close to you will ask you, “What restaurant do you want to go to tonight?” It’s happened before and you’re nervous because if you make the wrong choice, you’ll feel to blame. At your recommendation you go to the new Italian place on the north side of town. You go and the meal is terrible. Your friend says, “Well that was a lousy choice,” and ruins it even further. It’s experiences like this in life that make it difficult to express opinions, choices and preferences when it affects another person – or in this case your pet. You feel that no matter what choice you make, it might be the wrong one. And no matter what choice you made you w/ill second guess yourself afterwards. “I did it too soon,” “I did it too late” --- you will tend to bring guilt and self-blame into the scenario.
Fortunately, our experience working with people in hospice reassured Kate. We had seen it over and over again in our therapy work. Many times, people linger on their deathbeds; their breath is slowing, their feet are turning blue...and then all of a sudden one day, they rally back! Where they were confused, they are now lucid. Those who were lethargic are miraculously alert and clear for the first time in a long time. They give us the impression that they are not dying after all! Oh, everyone is so excited! They are clearly turning a corner and they will be well again! The prayers have indeed been answered! It seems a miracle!
Then, in 12 or 24 or more hours, they pass peacefully. It is not this way for everyone, but this has happened many times in Kate's experience. It matters not the age or the condition or the setting. Perhaps it is one final chance for the body to have its Swan Song. When we know we can never do something again that we've always done, we always want to do it one more time. Sometimes that's what the final day is for. It’s a chance to have one more time around. There is an element of control in each and every one of us – two legged and four legged alike.
I’ve seen it from both sides now and it’s amazing how much birth is like death. Death gets a bad rap. People think euthanasia is putting their pets down when it is really lifting us up. In birth we have the passage and then the pain. In death we have the pain and then the passage.
Taken from Page 35
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