Dear Jack,
If I am going to scatter her ashes, when is the best time to do it? Sooner? Or later?
It took the better part of six months for Kate to get a grip on herself in her life without me. At exactly the six-month mark, she scattered my ashes to the wind. "Fly free Little Boy, Fly Free!" she cried out as the remains of my physical existence were gently tossed into the breeze. A sudden gust of wind came just as she let them go. Some of the ashes went into her mouth and dusted her hair. It was my last attempt to stay with her.
You can scatter them wherever you wish, if you wish to scatter them. In the west we scatter on the ground or in the earth. In the east, ashes are often scattered in the sea or in a river. Just be sure you’re ready to let go. Kate kept a tiny pillbox of my ashes and some of Grady's ashes in a little box too. She is the kind of person who always tries to find a way to have it all in everything she does...a little bit of this and a little bit of that, so she scattered, but also, she kept. It's what you do with your heart that matters the most and the action of scattering my ashes created the freedom that we both had been waiting for.
Do not rush into your decision, for once scattered you cannot undo it. There are many options. Letting go is not necessarily the act of spreading the ashes. It is the thought behind how you treat the relationship. You can let go and still have the ashes near, but just not be bound by them.
This applies to any memorial gesture. When you are so attached that you cling to the ashes… that you cling to the need of lighting that memorial candle every single night without fail. She used to light a candle every night. She didn’t see that this was yet another attachment; another routine that she would one day have to break free from. After all, she would have to light a candle every night for the rest of her life and if she happened to miss one night, she would be filled with the guilt and shame and blame that she did not light that candle for me. Losing an attachment like this becomes another loss to get over and delays the healing process.
The attachment is when you think your life or mine depends on lighting that candle every night for me. If your life is not complete without the shrine you made for me then you still have that leash around my neck. You haven’t set me free. I will be overjoyed when she stops lighting that candle because it means she will be celebrating my life, the beautiful life I shared with her, instead of my death.
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