Dear Jack,
This first year has been the hardest. The first holiday without him, the first birthday without him... it never stops hurting. I am coming up on his "gotcha" day and I know that day will not be easy to get through, just like all the other 25ths of each month and all the firsts I now have to face. He is pain free and happy and enjoying Eternity in Heaven. One day he knows I will be with him again.
You are correct about so many things. The first year is always the hardest. Yes, he is happy, free and enjoying Heaven. He does know that you will be together again. He doesn't get hung up on the wondering, the missing, the worrying, the needing...he trusts the process and he doesn't worry about it. But the day he sees you at the gate? The joy!! Yay! You just need to learn to trust it too.
It's a strange twilight zone. All the "firsts" without him. The first month has passed and you sigh with relief that you have survived it, then the ill-at-ease comes because you feel you are a month further away from him. You are no further. You only get closer the more time that passes and the more you heal from the loss. You're doing great.
Love, Jack
Twelve hours. Twenty-Four hours without me. I passed on the first day of the month so it was easy for her to count the days. She was newly obsessed with the passage of time, as if each day took me further and further away from her. It was a painful illusion. If the days must do something, they will bring us closer to our appointed meeting, not further away.
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