Dear Jack,
It’s my first Christmas without him and I feel such a void in my life. I can’t bring myself to look at a photo of him or even his toys. I don’t want to cry over him.
Yes, it feels like a big void, but something will come in to take the place in your heart. Remember “The Grinch Who Stole Christmas”? His heart grew bigger and bigger and yours has grown bigger too. Your boy’s love has stretched your heart so that you can love even more after you have healed. That's what it's all about.
Once you allow yourself to look at the one you love (yes, you'll feel the pain at first), it will be like turning on the light in a dark room. You will see more clearly and you will find that there was nothing to be afraid of after all. It is only your best friend there. Don't be afraid of your tears for they are the healing force. They remain bitter until you begin to heal and then they sweeten with every step.
You are stronger than your fears and you need to shed the tears. You cannot avoid looking at him for the rest of your life simply because he is Here and you are there. You have loved each other! How can you not bring your eyes to meet his, if only in a photograph? You allow your pain, your hurt, your sorrow to take away the joy of remembering the good times. A memory comes up and you brace yourself. What will it be? Something that makes you cry? So what if it makes you cry? It is part of life. Sadness and sorrow are a part of life. Are you willing to cut off memories of the life you shared together simply because you do not want to feel your sorrow or wet tears upon your cheek?
It is the willingness to feel that heals you. It is the willingness to look life and death in the eye to know you are stronger than any of it. It is honorable to him, for you to be willing to move past your grief to recall the wonderful times you’ve shared. These times are what he wants you to remember.
You fear each tear that falls and yet, each tear holds the secret to your growth. As you heal the tears come slower and heavier. This is a sign that you are growing. They are full of your love and your willingness to shed them.
If you can look at a photo and speak his name, embrace what you had and let the gentle smile come through your tears, all the fear will leave and all that will be left is love. It is what he’s waiting for. It’s all he ever wanted.
Love, Jack
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